This idiot

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this was an unsolicited dick pic thrust upon a dear friend of mine, which makes it fair game for critique.

i note that you sent this picture with a single question: “you likey?”. no, sender, my friend doesn’t likey. i don’t likey. no one likeys. i mean which part exactly were we supposed to likey? the little nondescript triangular sliver of the mid portion of your shaft? the mundane background and outfit choice? the big white semicircular blob in the foreground that might be your hand or your gut?

it’s very bad, sender. please stop afflicting this on people who haven’t asked for it, and even on anyone who has.

thank you for your submission (in an indirect sort of way) to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

my dick pic

bearing in mind that, as always, i’m talking strictly about the quality of your picture and not about your dick, or you, sender, let me just say: it’s bad.

it’s almost offensively lazy, this picture: you’re sprawled in a can’t-be-fucked (and probably won’t-be-fucked) pose, and you’ve simply thrust your camera or phone down at your dick and clicked the button, and that’s it. did you even take a few different shots and select the best one? i doubt it.

the background is, at least, stark and clear, and white bedding in a white bedroom is a great backdrop for a dick pic, but you’re really not maximising this picture’s potential. at all.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D+.

Dick pic

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i’m sorry sender, but it’s terrible.

i mean, what about this dick pic did you think made it worth emailing to me? your dick is way too zoomed in, cut off by the frame and you’re not doing anything with it, it’s just there. your feet are dangling in the background and you’re wearing any old pair of shorts and you’ve quite evidently put zero thought into any aspect of the shot. 

i’d be offended if someone sent this to me in my personal life and i would caution you not to. please peruse the A grades for some inspiration before you photograph your penis again.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

Is this gud at all??

it’s not very good, no.

i mean, why would it be good when you’ve made no effort for it to be good? you’re just lying there, with no involvement of your hands and no attention paid to the background or pose; you’ve done the bare minimum and it shows.

perhaps peruse the A grades for a while, because there is abundant room for improvement here.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

Early effort

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I have recently lost more than 150 lbs and thus for the the first time had the confidence to engage in the sexting variety of repartee that a woman I’ve recently met wanted to do. I really don’t know what I’m doing and this whole process made me rather anxious so I thought this might be a worthwhile avenue for a few pointers. Thanks.

congratulations on reaching your goals and building self-esteem! your dick pic is terrible, though.

it may have been a better idea to spend some time on this site before attempting a submission: you can peruse the A grades for what works, and if you scan the worst submissions, you’ll see that they look like yours: contextless logs, with zero thought spared for the pose, tone or composition.

keep reading, sender; you’re sure to improve.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

(no subject)

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this is a hilarious but definitely very bad dick pic, sender.

this is just a veering-to-the-left log with the additional (and inexplicable) inclusion of the jumpman logo. his hand is definitely reaching into your penis but i don’t know if you thought about that or if it was deliberate; i’m not sure how much you thought about this picture at all.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D+.

Mine

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I’m trying new angles.

try literally any other angle, because this is the worst one.

there’s nothing erotic or enticing about a straight down, bird’s-eye-view shot of your dick. we’ve covered this. the inclusion of splayed feet is comically terrible, the floor is mundane, and in short there’s no effort here.

please try again.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

Help

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Hey i know my cock is small and it not exactly pretty. So i really could use all the help i could get.

abandon the idea that your cock is small and unpretty, because these are subjective, extraneous details and everyone with a dick has the ability to take a great dick pic. 

you haven’t taken a great dick pic. you’re not holding your dick or doing anything with it; it’s just sitting there. you’ve ripped off you pants and left your hoodie on and just snapped this shot with no thought spared for the pose, framing or background. it’s low effort, and it shows.

have a squiz through the A grade submissions and give it another go.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

(no subject)

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no no no no no no no.

the size of your dick is evident, okay? you don’t need to wedge a lighter against the base of your dick for scale, because we all have eyes. all this does is make your picture reek of desperation and insecurity, and detracts from any kind of eroticism or intimacy your picture may otherwise have had. worse still, it’s a blurry, low quality shot. 

this is not a good dick pic, sender. please peruse some of the A grade submissions and try again.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

I tried!

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the resigned tone of your subject line lets me know that you know that this is a terrible dick pic, and it is.

"i tried!" is not good enough, and not even true. you quite evidently didn’t try at all. you didn’t try enough to have fresh suds in the bath before you took this shot, you didn’t try enough to make your pose interesting and alluring, you didn’t try enough to make your dick look like anything but a half-floating off-center appendage. 

try harder.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D-.